You're my little dorito
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
