it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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