Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
