He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
