I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
