Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
