I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm too high and old for this...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
