I faked an abortion last night.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
