Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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