TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
