Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
