Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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