the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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