My first STD was from a foam party
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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