i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
