I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
