y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You can't just leave with hair like that
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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