Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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