Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
