you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
