My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
