Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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