I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
