she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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