I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
