Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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