just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
