why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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