You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
