I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
