I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
