any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
