Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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