I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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