Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
All the doctor said was why
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
