I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
