So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
