I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
The ass gains better be worth it
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