I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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