Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
