I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I am one with the molecules
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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