Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
