I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
