Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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