Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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