I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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