i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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