I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
