haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
