is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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