They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You can't special order awesome
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
