I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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