She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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