I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
